I’m not crazy, it’s my neighbours… (honestly!)

While looking for photographs of Charles Saatchi, of all things, I came across this. (For those who worry about such things, it was in an article about CS complaining about his neighbous – hey, he has the same initials as me…)

As I am one of those sad/exciting souls who likes to move house a lot, and who is finally going to try moving country this year, I have had a LOT of neighbours. Those neighbours have done some very strange things, to which I have done strange things right back: posting a dog shit through someone’s door, throwing chocolate biscuits onto someone’s balcony, posting beer cans through someone’s letter-box, having knockdown fights about a vaccum cleaner, an outdoor toilet, a huge truck being parked in front of my window – I mean right in front, as in six inches, completely obliterating all light – to name but a few. Hey, I was provoked.

However, the list of my neighbours’ madness is even worse: seal woman’s outdoor orgasms (don’t ask), the lesbians who had sex in the bath while playing guitar, and the downstairs neighbour who used to beat her husband with his proshtetic leg while he was drunk (I actually liked those nutcases; good times).

As yes, a gypsy life is a wondrous thing.

Anyway, I found these gems at the bottom of said article and they make my collection of nutty neighbours look very tame indeed. I never thought I would laugh about annoying neighbours ever again, but I did.


Neighbour complaints from Twitter: is this as bad as it gets?

@Cornettofairy My neighbours dug up my garden in the night, flattened it, and have put up a marquee which they use as a church.

@NadiaKamil I used to live beneath backpackers who at night threw themselves down the stairs & photographed it for fun.

@SoooooZee An ex-neighbour once stood outside & yelled “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY LOUNGE?” Then stood there looking embarrassed until I closed the blinds.

@dodgrile An old neighbour used to superglue cigarette butts to my house and car in the middle of the night. That was fun.

@clarehr A neighbour appeared at the window opposite with a sign: “HELP I’m hostage at gunpoint.” We called the police; when they arrived she denied all knowledge.

@jamescator I have a crazy preacher neighbour who rings a handbell at 4am for an hour whilst chanting religiously.

@karlhodge My neighbour bangs on my door at 6.30 in the morning shouting for “Andy”. No one in my house is called Andy.

@moonjam One neighbour tried to drunkenly open our front door with their key. And put an entire washing machine in the communal bin.

@stuartdredge I had a neighbour who took a boat-load of strange drugs and ended up being led away after shooting our milkman with a BB gun.

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